Positive parenting can be challenging, but whether you’re just starting out or are already a pro, here’s a quick and easy tactic you can try today: Ask questions! It’s one of the best tools in your caregiver toolkit. Let’s explore the Positive Discipline tool, “Asking vs. Telling.”

Telling: When you give a child a command, they often tune you out, leading to a stressful cycle of command and ignore. You tell them what you need them to do, they ignore you. You get frustrated and repeat the command, but they continue to ignore you. This cycle isn’t effective or fun for either of you.

Asking: Instead, try asking questions rather than giving commands. For example, instead of saying, “Put on your shoes. It’s time to go outside,” ask, “What happens after snack?” If you maintain a regular routine, the child knows that outside time follows snack time, which means putting on shoes. When they answer the question, you can excitedly reinforce their response with, “YES, that’s right! Let’s get our shoes on and go outside!” Why does this simple change work?

Why This Works: In adult terms, Neil Cooper explains, “Questions trigger a mental reflex known as ‘instinctive elaboration.’ When a question is posed, it takes over the brain’s thought process. And when your brain is thinking about the answer to a question, it can’t contemplate anything else.” This principle applies to children as well. Questions momentarily hijack a child’s mind, making them focus on finding the answer. This is the perfect moment to foster the cooperation you seek. Asking questions also supports their cognitive development and executive functioning.

So, what questions have you asked a child today?